An observation

As I shared recently, my family is fairly evenly split between introverts and extroverts although they (we?) are noisy as a group. Continuing in the same vein of thought I made another observation. Though, I would like to first point out that introversion and extroversion are opposite ends of the same continuum rather than completely different and separate traits.

At any rate, it seems to me that the two extremes are operating under different general assumptions. The introvert assumes that others do not want to hear what he is thinking and remains silent; the extrovert assumes that others do want to hear his thoughts and so he speaks them. There are of course other variables: how comfortable one is with the subject in question, how well one knows one’s audience, the urgency of the situation, and so forth. But (as an introvert) I find myself keeping my thoughts to myself unless I am quite certain that the other person will in fact want to hear them. Further (as an introvert) I find myself listening to other people and wishing for a mute button. Not all the time, mind you, but sometimes it is hard to listen to someone using dozens of words when a few well-chosen words would have been enough (especially if it’s something that really doesn’t add to the conversation).

I hope I’ve not offended any of my more talkative friends! As much as anything, I am reminding myself that there is nothing wrong with being different from me, especially as concerns my children (and husband). As Drama Boy once told his Great Mimi, “Sometimes my mouth just has to talk!”

Quiet

No, I didn’t sell the kids. . .I’m talking about myself for a moment. A couple days ago, I came across this article that I wanted to share with you: Don’t Call Introverted Children ‘Shy’. Yes, I was the child clinging to my mother’s leg and hoping no one would look at me, much less talk to me. You aren’t surprised, are you? Even as an adult I need to quietly observe people and situations before I’m willing to talk. . .and in some cases, I’m just not willing to open my mouth. The art of conversation tires me, so I only talk when I have something to say–and when I am fairly confident that the other person will want to hear what I have to say.

Square peg, round hole

I know I’ve written before about being an introvert and about being a pastor’s wife, but lately I’ve been thinking about both at the same time. It’s largely a matter of my personality shaping the way I fill my own role as a pastor’s wife. . .and how that is sometimes a square peg-round hole business, because the stereotypical pastor’s wife is most definitely not an introvert.

I think, at this point, I’ve largely been excused from organizing things because I “have my hands full” homeschooling six kids. I’m not sure how that will play out when my nest is empty, because taking charge of anything and telling other adults what to do is beyond me. I also have no intention of taking on countless behind the scenes roles; we homeschool in part because I need my daily schedule to be my own.

My largest challenge as a pastor’s wife has been on more of a social level. I don’t talk much; I can listen, this is true, but then I struggle to remember who said what. I also struggle with faces–I can memorize a church directory’s worth of names, but to keep them matched with faces is an entirely different matter! As an introvert, I tend to form a close bond with a very small number of people. I can be friendly to acquaintances, but I don’t know what to do with all those people who fall somewhere between acquaintance and close friend. Small talk is difficult enough, but because I’m married to the pastor they also tend to talk to me about extended family or health issues or any number of things. On one hand I’m flattered that they want to tell me these things; on the other hand I struggle with what to do with this stream of information. Then there’s the matter of personal space. I’m not opposed to hugging my family and close friends, but beyond that it is often awkward for me.

On the bright side, being an introvert means I usually think twice (or thrice) before speaking. . .this goes a long way towards keeping my feet out of my mouth in public.

Once bitten

Thank you all for your kind comments on my previous post about my normal children and my own introversion. Your words, as well as encouragement from a dear friend of mine, have motivated me to share more thoughts about my life as an introvert.

Once bitten. . .twice shy. All the more so, when one is already shy. Most pastors’ wives I have met share a certain degree of hesitation or awkwardness when it comes to friendship with church members. I do not know if this is a universal problem or not, as my friends also tend to do anti-cultural things like be full time homemakers making do on a single paycheck, home school, and have more than 1.7 children. Do let me be clear: we do our best to be as friendly as our unique personalities allow, but our dear girlfriends tend to be outside our local  congregation, often though certainly not always other pastors’ wives.

I did not worry about this much at Larry’s first call, perhaps in part because I had family near enough to fill some of that need for female companionship. But I also found friends in the senior pastor’s wife and in the member we asked to be Drama Boy’s godmother. And I was on friendly terms with a fair number of other women as we attended Bible study or served on altar guild together.

Then we moved to his second call. Family was much farther away. I knew more ladies from the community than I had in Illinois, but none became friends. I made friends with the other pastors’ wives in our circuit, but opportunities to visit were sporadic. It was also during these years in Iowa that we officially began home schooling. Nearly all of the younger women in that congregation were employed as teachers while their two children were at daycare or school. They took it in turns to question me on Iowa home schooling law and what I was doing about it and then left me alone. Is it any wonder I spent most of my time at church with the older ladies who had raised four or more children, had stayed at home during those years, and perhaps even knew how to sew? On two separate occasions I was befriended by younger ladies from our congregation–and both times I was later snubbed when they took issue with Larry on some point or other. The final blow came towards the end of our time there, when it was mentioned to Larry that his wife could have been more friendly to the other women.

Perhaps an outgoing woman would have taken these things in stride, but that is not who I am. We are still farther from family, and I approach people with the assumption that they probably will not want to hear what I have to say or spend time with me. Even though I have finally realized that my shyness is often mistaken for rudeness or snobbishness, I cannot seem to force myself to talk in some situations. I worry that the person who is friendly to me today will turn a cold shoulder tomorrow even though we are currently at the most genuinely friendly congregation I have ever seen. But I know that is unfair to the members who may know some of Larry’s situation in Iowa but none of mine. So I move onward. I may still be at a loss for words as often as not, but I can smile. Even when I’d rather hide in the nearest closet.

Aloof

Sometime ago, I overheard an older lady comment before church that my children are “aloof.” Older isn’t so much the issue here, except as it pertains to hearing ability and speaking volume. Anyhow, once I recovered from my initial shock and subsequent hurt feelings, I found myself still thinking about the comment and wondering if anyone else shared her opinion.

For anyone who only sees my children in church, I suppose they do appear aloof. I intentionally arrive at most five minutes before church starts, allowing only enough time to hang up coats and gather bulletins before we sit down. Any earlier only gives them time to wind up before sitting down. I knew from the start that I would almost always be alone with my kids in the pew so I have always made it a priority to teach them that being in the sanctuary means sitting down, facing forward, and being quiet. They don’t do these things consistently and spend far too much time engaged in brotherly poking, but they are generally well behaved in church. Since hearing this comment, I have noticed that they suddenly clam up if someone else speaks to them: normally I remind them to speak when spoken to, but in church I do not.

After church is a different matter. They are all much better at conversing with adults than I was at their respective ages! Yet even then, they mostly talk with adults who express interest and talk to them first. I don’t think I’ve ever seen them approach an adult to begin an initial conversation, but then again they most certainly have never seen their mother do that (their father is another matter of course ). This makes me I wonder if I am teaching them good manners, or merely passing along some of my own introverted habits. . .some of both, perhaps.