Square peg, round hole

I know I’ve written before about being an introvert and about being a pastor’s wife, but lately I’ve been thinking about both at the same time. It’s largely a matter of my personality shaping the way I fill my own role as a pastor’s wife. . .and how that is sometimes a square peg-round hole business, because the stereotypical pastor’s wife is most definitely not an introvert.

I think, at this point, I’ve largely been excused from organizing things because I “have my hands full” homeschooling six kids. I’m not sure how that will play out when my nest is empty, because taking charge of anything and telling other adults what to do is beyond me. I also have no intention of taking on countless behind the scenes roles; we homeschool in part because I need my daily schedule to be my own.

My largest challenge as a pastor’s wife has been on more of a social level. I don’t talk much; I can listen, this is true, but then I struggle to remember who said what. I also struggle with faces–I can memorize a church directory’s worth of names, but to keep them matched with faces is an entirely different matter! As an introvert, I tend to form a close bond with a very small number of people. I can be friendly to acquaintances, but I don’t know what to do with all those people who fall somewhere between acquaintance and close friend. Small talk is difficult enough, but because I’m married to the pastor they also tend to talk to me about extended family or health issues or any number of things. On one hand I’m flattered that they want to tell me these things; on the other hand I struggle with what to do with this stream of information. Then there’s the matter of personal space. I’m not opposed to hugging my family and close friends, but beyond that it is often awkward for me.

On the bright side, being an introvert means I usually think twice (or thrice) before speaking. . .this goes a long way towards keeping my feet out of my mouth in public.

Traditions

It’s funny how they start, isn’t it? A recent/current weekly tradition here involves–of all things–recording receipts and paying bills. For most of our marriage this has been my job, unless I was sick or otherwise occupied with a new baby. However, the software we have always used (Microsoft Money) is no longer available and we haven’t figured out how to transfer the downloaded program from Larry’s laptop to my new laptop.

And so it is that Wednesday evening now finds the two of us in our respective pink swivel rockers, bills and receipts on the end table between us, computers in our laps and cold adult beverages at our sides (this week, sangria). Larry records things into the checkbook while I check my email for online purchases, and then I go to the bank website when he’s ready to pay bills. If an account needs balanced, I read through the statement and he marks each item as cleared on the computer.

I’m not sure that I would call this a “fun” tradition, but it is a whole lot closer to fun than doing the whole job alone!

Til death do us part

In a world where marriage is viewed as temporary and its very definition is under attack, I thought Valentine’s Day was a good time to look at the marriage vows–a refresher course, if you please. Marriage is the foundation of the family, and thus the foundation of our society. Where marriage and family remain strong and intact, so does the society; where they crumble and are eroded, so falls the society.

I will be referring the vows as found in the Lutheran Worship Agenda because that is what was used at our wedding. The words have stood the test of time, and there is something very comforting in using the same words used by generations. I know there has been a trend towards writing your own vows; however well meant, I think this practice contributes to the modern redefining of marriage.

I, ——, in the presence of God and these witnesses,

Marriage is not to be entered into lightly; it is the beginning of a new family and as such is a commitment between one man and one woman made before God as well as their family and friends.

take you, ——, to be my wife/husband,

From the very creation of the world, man and woman were created to be joined together in pairs. As it is written in Genesis 2:24, “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” It is also important to note that “husband” and “wife” are two distinctly different roles. As Paul writes to the Ephesians, “Wives, submit to your husbands, as to the Lord. . .Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her” (5:22, 25). There is enough to say about the roles of husbands and wives, however, that I will save that discussion for another post.

to have and to hold from this day forward,

From this day forward. . .from now on the two are one–but not before. More and more couples see no shame in sharing a bed or even an address without the blessing of marriage. They like to dismiss marriage as “a piece of paper” but the truth is that it is a lifelong commitment, and if cohabiting couples do eventually marry, statistics show that they are much less likely to stay married.

for better, for worse,

Marriage can be the best of times and it can be the worst of times. Some days we find ourselves wildly in love and other days we really wonder what we were thinking to marry this miserable sinner. Ahh. . .but there is the rub: husband and wife are both sinful human beings. Commitment to our marriage and to each other requires that we forgive and are forgiven. Daily, if needed.

for richer, for poorer,

I have heard that married couples argue more about money than any other issue, although I cannot say that has been true in our marriage. We sometimes joke about pastors being married for poorer or poorer. The truth is that here lies one of the benefits of the husband being the head of the household: the buck stops with him. He values and listens to my opinion, but the responsibility of a final decision is his.

in sickness and in health,

It particularly saddens my heart to hear of one spouse leaving the other in a time of physical or mental ill health. . .or simply because one has outgrown their physical attractiveness. Marriage is a union created to give strength and support to each other as well as to any children in the family through life and all of its trials.

to love and to cherish,

This part sounds so easy to the happy bridal couple! But again it takes a commitment to love and cherish in spite of all the things that life brings, to realize that marriage like wine improves with age. Robert Browning said it well: “Grow old along with me! The best is yet to be, the last of life, for which the first was made.”

until death parts us,

In other words, this is a lifelong commitment. I know I’ve used the word “commitment” often in this post, but in my observation it is the key to remaining married. Loving feelings wax and wane; hardships and blessings come and go. A marriage that is grounded on such temporary things will in time fail; a marriage that depends upon a commitment to each other and to the marriage will endure.

and I pledge you my faithfulness.

Amen, amen (which means “yes, yes, it shall be so!”).

Random anniversary thoughts

If Drama Boy is 13, that must mean we’ve been married 14 years. He was a tiny 2 week old who nursed and slept through our first anniversary date, and now he is old enough to be in charge long enough for us to go out for lunch today. Where does time go when you’re not looking?!

Please bear with me while I celebrate with a little bit of math:

14 (years) x 12 (months) = 168 months of marriage

6 (babies) x 9 (months of pregnancy) + 2 (months of miscarried pregnancy) = 56 months of being pregnant

12 + 10 + 14 + 21 + 26 + 20 = 103 months of nursing

That’s a total of 159 months of being pregnant or nursing, except there were 8 months of nursing while pregnant, so that leaves 17 months of marriage of neither one. Almost half (7) were this year after Baby Boy weaned.

That means that I have spent 14 years pregnant, nursing, and or potty training. . .along the way I’ve also taught 3 kids to read and seen the first one confirmed. The next 14 years will bring 5 more confirmations and more reading lessons, as well as one last round of potty training. But those years also hold a lot of unknown. I spend a lot of my time now in the kitchen cooking, and I’m sure that will only increase as each boy reaches the teen years. We’ll also celebrate 5 high school graduations, and whatever lies beyond–be it college, military service, employment, marriage, or some combination of these. We might even be grandparents by the time another 14 years have passed!

Let the wife make the husband glad to come home, and let him make her sorry to see him leave. –Martin Luther

Happy 13!

This post is even later than the New Year’s post, but in a culture where marriages crumble daily it seems right and necessary to mark each anniversary as a gift from God. Larry and I celebrated 13 years of marriage last Tuesday, December 30, by going out for lunch, just the two of us! As corny as it may sound, I certainly love him more with each passing year, and I thank God that He caused our paths to cross 14 years ago this month. Our marriage is far from perfect, but our commitment to each other binds us together for better, for worse; for richer, for poorer; in sickness and in health; til death do us part.

O Lord Jesus, Your mercies are new every morning. We thank You for another year of married life together for Larry and Angie. Open their hearts always to receive more of Your love that their love for each other may never grow weary but deepen and grow through every joy and sorrow shared; for You live and reign with the Father and the Holy Spirit, one God, now and forever. Amen.

Oh, bother!

I was thinking my last post came across rather whinier than I meant, but now that the kids are in bed and I have time to fix it, I see that several of you have already read it and commented. So I’ll write another post instead.

A lot of the things I mentioned show just how much I depend on Larry, and I do, but he’s certainly more than that to me! I also ‘need’ him home for things like watching the next season of Monarch of the Glen, talking through whatever is on his mind or mine, and. . .well, you can use your imagination. Nothing anyone else is going to help with, that’s for sure!

He’s been away from home longer than this before (work-related), but this is decidedly different. Obviously there are the worries about his health, especially before they found it was pneumonia. Also we usually stay in touch via cell phone several times a day. . .now his cell phone is sitting at home next to mine as talking wears him out. I don’t seem to get much done in between trips to the hospital to check on him (which is thankfully only 5 minutes away). This noon a church member watched the older five while baby and I went to the hospital, but mostly I’ve taken at least 4 if not all 6 children with me. It makes the visits that much shorter, but the kids are missing daddy too.

We’ll make it through. I’ll even ask for help if I can. But Larry’s shoes are too big for anyone to really fill. . .

Alone

It seems a bit silly to complain of loneliness when I spend most of my days surrounded by six adorable children, doesn’t it? But right now Larry~my best friend-husband-lover~is hospitalized with pneumonia, and I most definitely feel alone. Once the grapevine started doing its work, I’ve been inundated with phone calls and emails urging me to let the caller/writer now if they can help with anything. And for the most part, I’ve smiled and thanked them for their prayers and left it at that, knowing I probably won’t take them up on their offer. After all, who else is going to. . .

Convince the 3yo to go back to sleep in the wee hours so he doesn’t wake his baby brother?

Start breakfast while I shower after an early morning walk?

Be here for 3 meals every day (and take me out to eat if I got too busy to fix anything)?

Lead our family in daily devotions?

Deal with the 11yo when he’s been talking back to me? (sidenote: said 11yo has actually been mostly helpful this week)

Anticipate when I really need a bag of dark chocolate M & M’s?

Never complain about my cooking?

Direct the clean up of the daily toy explosion so I can fix dinner, fold laundry, or maybe just sew?

Ensure that the 9yo takes a shower and uses SOAP, as well as give the little boys their baths?

Talk to me on the phone now & again throughout the day, to keep my sanity in check?

Wear out the 6yo & 3yo by getting on the floor and wrestling with them?

Fix my computer. . .again?

Snuggle in bed with me at the end of a long day (and maybe rub my back)?

The list goes on, but I imagine you get the idea. . .the only thing I really need is my husband back on his feet! So to all who have offered to help, THANK YOU, your offer is much appreciated! The most helpful thing that any of you can do is, of course, to pray for his continued healing if it be God’s will. Otherwise, we’ll muddle along as best we can until he can come home again.

Especially for my fellow PWs

I’m working on getting my pictures ready to show why I haven’t blogged for awhile, but in the meanwhile I thought some of you would appreciate this musical parody. Julee gets the credit for finding this one. . .and before anyone sends hatemail to Larry, he is mostly very good about not using us as sermon illustrations. If you see me rolling my eyes in the pew, it’s usually because you can take the boy out of Minnesota. . .but you can’t take the Minnesotan out of his speech.

Twitterpated

So for anyone who wondered if Larry also sent me flowers for Valentine’s Day, the answer is no. . .he waited until yesterday, when I wouldn’t expect flowers!

(I decided not to zoom in too much, wanting to show where I keep all the recipes I mentioned recently! The papers in front are my weekly menu, running shopping list, and checklist for kids’ chores. . .and this is only part of my strawberry collection, which really needs a better place to be displayed in my new kitchen.)

On being pastor’s wife

Last month, while sitting around Melody’s table, Barb brought up the question of the role of pastor’s wife. She & Carol have both been quite involved in their congregations at times while Julee & I have been more laidback. I don’t remember which way the conversation went from that point, but considering what kind of pastor’s wife I am (or should be) gave me something to think about on our long drive to our new church. I realized that most of what I do (or don’t do) reflects who I am as Angie, not as Larry’s wife: I would continue to do many of the same things at church even if he changed his vocation.

And so it is that I do not sing in the choir~anyone who’s heard me sing wouldn’t ask me to do so anyhow. I do however make a joyful noise unto the Lord from my own pew every week and I nudge my children to sing as well.

Although I homeschool our children, I’m not particularly gifted with children or teaching. I bring our children faithfully to Sunday School and attend Bible study myself, but I’ve learned not to volunteer to teach a class.

I love to bake and am always glad to bring food for funerals and other church dinners, but it has never worked for me to help serve.

I am not very outgoing, so it doesn’t work well for me to fill any position that involves leadership. I am happy to help where I can, but I avoid being the one in charge.

I also realized that a lot of what shapes my role as pastor’s wife is my current stage in life; there are some things that just can’t be done well with a baby on my hip or a toddler wrapped around my leg. Like most pastor’s families, we live far enough from grandparents that we need to pay a babysitter if we both go somewhere without the kids. Since Larry is being paid to serve the congregation as pastor, and our budget is tight, I usually stay at home with the kids.

Even so, there are a few things I do that are specific to being the pastor’s wife. Some of those come more naturally to me than others.

I take care of the pastor so he can concentrate on his work at church: I make sure he has clean socks, family meals planned around his schedule, a fresh haircut, a positive balance in the checkbook, and a clean home for relaxing.

Sometimes I take on the role of unpaid secretary as well, reminding him of appointments or other things that need doing. I proofread some of his letters and write the majority of our thank you notes, especially at Christmas time. At times I help him find the hymn or Bible verse he can’t quite place.

As an introvert, the most challenging part for me is being sociable with all the members after church; small talk can be literally exhausting for me. Please understand: they are wonderful people! Thankfully I am learning that usually people are happy with someone to listen to them which means I don’t have to say much; the only problem comes later when I can’t remember who told me what.

However it is handled, the role of pastor’s wife is decidedly unique. At this point in history, it’s one of the few vocations that still has expections for the whole family. The challenge is to find a happy balance between the congregation’s expectations and their pastor’s wife’s abilities and interests.