A couple observations on modesty

This month month we celebrated Easter and our church also witnessed baptisms on two separate Sundays. This means, among other things, that I’ve seen more skirts and dresses than usual. Two in particular stand out in my memory, perhaps because I think this was the first time I had seen either lady wear anything other than jeans. But they also stand out because viewed together, they inadvertently made the point that the longer skirt is not always the modest choice. In this case the lower calf length skirt was snug fitting and slit to the mid thigh on one if not both sides. On the other hand, the knee length dress was gently flared with an even hemline. It was quite a bit shorter, yet it still offered more coverage.

If you’ve been reading my blog for any length of time, you’ve probably noticed I prefer to wear longer skirts. There are several reasons for this, not the least of which is that they best suit my old fashioned tendencies. But I have my practical reasons too. Even hot days in Wyoming start out cool enough that I want more of my legs covered. Also my legs are short even for my height, which means there is a very fine line between knee length and indecent. . .especially on windy days, of which we have plenty. Finally, a longer, fuller skirt makes it easier for me to chase small boys, sit on the floor, and get in and out of the Suburban without having to worry about accidental immodesty.

A tale of two suits

I’ll be honest: I don’t like to swim. Actually, I can’t swim and I don’t enjoy taking my kids to the pool. There doesn’t seem to be much hope of outgrowing my dislike of water in my face, especially since without glasses or contacts I can’t even tell you which lost boy is standing next to me. But there was still one thing I could do to make swimming less disagreeable to me, and so I finally did it.

I realize that the standard cut leg opening is generally regarded as acceptable public attire for women, but lately I have been bothered by how little is left to the imagination at the pool. I have resisted the urge to outfit the whole family in Edwardian bathing costumes: that would say look at me as much as a teeny bikini or speedo. Yet even a relatively modest Lands End tank or tankini has me tugging the top up and the bottoms down.

Finally this summer I found my answer: the recently released ebook, Fresh Modesty. It is not a pattern but rather a how-to guide for both drafting and sewing the suit. I used Olivia’s directions for drafting the shorts (which are solid blue like the sash) and skirt. That ended up being a half circle because of my yardage (coop purchase from years ago), but I think it is plenty full. My “support system” is a bare bones bra I had already made, so I skipped that section. I also decided not to draft the shirt but instead pulled out my tried and true Ottobre 2/2007 knit top pattern. I attached both shirt and skirt to the sash because I wanted a dress.

The book also includes tips for sewing knits in general and swimsuits in particular. I’ll be honest: I ignored some of them, because I’ve been sewing knits, including swimsuits, long enough to have my own opinions. I used swimsuit lining for the shirt front as well as the shorts. I also used my serger for construction, using the stretch wrap stitch with regular thread in the needle and wooly nylon in both loopers. I made other minor changes too, but it’s been long enough that I can’t remember what they were.

With hindsight, the suit would be perfectly modest with or without the sleeves. However, at our current altitude it is very easy to burn so consider the sleeves my ounce of protection!

I’ve already blogged about Twirly Girl’s current swimsuit, but here’s a recap: I used the Ottobre leotard pattern (1/2007 #30). I made a size 128 with an additional 1″ of length in the torso–she is SO skinny these days! The armhole is high enough that I did not need to make any alterations other than omit the sleeve and finish the opening with elastic. Rather than a standard crotch lining, I fully lined the bottom half of the suit (front and back) as well as the upper front. Most swimsuit fabric is just too flimsy to maintain modesty when wet. We also decided to lengthen the ruffle into a skirt.

For my boys in their baggy trunks, it’s the waistlines that need to stay up. Staples and duct tape aren’t very good options, so we make sure those drawstrings are double knotted! This year I found a sale on Lands End rash guard shirts for modesty as well as sun protection. They’ve been thankful for the shelter from the hot Wyoming sun; I’m not sure if they will want to wear them for indoor swimming.

April sewing

• Purple swimsuit for Twirly Girl, using Ottobre leotard pattern (1/2007 #30). I made a size 128 with an additional 1″ of length in the torso–she is SO skinny these days! The armhole is high enough that I did not need to make any alterations other than omit the sleeve and finish the opening with elastic. Rather than a standard crotch lining, I fully lined the bottom half of the suit (front and back) as well as the upper front. Most swimsuit fabric is just too flimsy to maintain modesty when wet. We also decided to lengthen the ruffle into a skirt.

• Everyday Dress for me, using a booklet by Cindy Taylor Oates. . .I have probably had this book for the better part of a decade, and finally got around to sewing it from a coral linen-rayon blend I bought last summer. I modified the scoop neck bodice to button in front just because I had stash buttons that matched perfectly and used the A line skirt with button tabs in back. Feminine, modest, and comfortable–although the slightly dropped shoulders are now a bit dated. My only issue is that I chose my size based on bust measurement alone, not realizing how straight the A line skirt really was–next time I’ll need to taper it out to a larger size below the waist. I haven’t had Larry take a picture yet, but I’ll check the kids’ cameras for you.
• Pale green knit nightgown for me, which I already described.

Next month in my sewing room: A full slip for me. Another summer dress or three, for Twirly Girl as well as me. And I still need a new swimsuit–pbbbt.

Underpinnings

As I write this, I am imagining some of you are scratching your heads and asking underwhat? and the rest of you are wondering if I’ve taken to wearing corsets or stays. While it is true that I’ve been boning up on corsets as part of my recent renewed interest in historic costume, today I am writing about underpinnings for the modern skirt-wearing woman. In the interest of not attracting unwholesome web searches, for the sake of this post let’s assume that the two basic feminine foundational garments are already being worn.

Recent trends have been towards bare legs with skirts; the thought of this makes me as cold as seeing flip flops worn year round! Although I don’t mind bare legs in the summer if you don’t mind my spider veins, that leaves three fourths of the year that can be chilly or even downright frigid. I usually wear hose for Sunday mornings or other dressy occasions; I know it is popular to complain about hose these days, but frankly I find blue jeans to be more constricting. The rest of the week I typically wear dark colored tights. I sometimes wear knee socks if I’m staying home, or it’s late spring or early fall, but unless my skirt is quite long this look can be a bit tacky. On really cold days when I’m wearing boots, I might add a pair of socks over my tights.

The next layer, worn year round with all unlined skirts, is the slip. Yes, I said slip. A slip adds no bulk but serves many purposes: keeps skirts from clinging, prevents embarrassing show-through, stops skirts from getting stuck between the legs, and provides a smoother appearance overall. But based on availability in stores, this basic garment seems to be sadly slipping out of style; thankfully they are simple to sew. Most of mine are nylon tricot, although I’ve thought about trying something warmer for winter wear.

A day in the life in a skirt

Thank you for your kind comments on last week’s post regarding wearing skirts or dresses on a daily basis! You gave me several ideas for future posts, beginning with this one. For those who were interested, this site has links to many of the articles I read last summer. Please note that I do not necessarily agree with all of the content (I haven’t even read all the articles!) but it is a good place to start reading various views on modesty and clothing.

This same page has links to the photo journals I mentioned (scroll down a bit; they are above the article links) but the last time I tried I was only able to access one. Thus, I decided to put together my own skirt-wearing photo journal for your personal amusement. These pictures were taken last week on a hot day when I was wearing a fairly typical outfit. I occasionally wear dresses or knee length skirts, but find a longer skirt is more conducive to housework and separates provide more variety. I’m not a big fan of denim, preferring to completely avoid the denim jumper/skirt stereotype. But this skirt has been a go-to item in my closet ever since I ordered it from L.L.Bean last winter; it is a tencel-cotton blend with a lovely drape. I made the seersucker blouse a few years ago from a pattern I drafted using Wild Ginger. The apron was a gift from Mom; it’s not a photo prop as I always wear an apron for cooking and cleaning.

And so my day begins. . .at least, the parts where Larry was home to take pictures.

Hanging laundry

Cleaning

Braiding hair

Fixing a quick lunch

Changing a diaper

Story time before nap

Watering flowers

Kids in bed–time to relax and read

The scoop on necklines

I never really gave necklines much thought. Lacking real cleavage, there really wasn’t anything to cover. . .or display. But my junior year in college, I realized my date hadn’t heard a word I said because he was busy enjoying the view offered by my v-neck top. Well! if even the pastor’s son  couldn’t keep his eyes on my face I figured I had better stick to jewel necks.

That kept me modest on top until a couple years ago, when wrap tops started coming into style. If you’ve ever sewn a wrap (or even worn one), you’ve probably noticed the delicate balance between wrapping attractively and keeping yourself under wraps. I’ve tried strategically located safety pins, I’ve stitched the two layers together where they cross (by hand or machine), and I’ve just ignored it and tried to keep my shoulders square and back straight. During the same time, I also started experimenting with the scoop neck: like the v-neck, it is more flattering to my face than a higher neckline.

However, at 5’1″ there is a fine line between flattering and indecent, and I am ashamed to admit I have sewn (and worn) more than one top that crossed that line. That is partly because I finally “developed” while pregnant with Baby Boy, and didn’t mind showing off a bit;  it is also partly because I hate to admit that I’ve just sewn something unwearable. But it is also because of Baby Boy that I realized another downside to lower necklines. Normal movement, especially for  mothers, quickly turns risque into risky. . .shifting my top to nurse, or a grab from his little hand, could expose me.

I have since become much more careful in selecting tops. Before I sew, I am careful to take the time to check the front pattern piece on my body in front of a mirror. If there is any doubt at all about the neckline, I raise it at least 1″. With most syles it is easy to trim excess later, but it usually requires a bit of creative sewing to make a neckline higher after the fabric is cut. But how does one decide whether a neckline is high enough? In response to my post on the 6th commandment, Kris left a link to a modesty program which gives a guideline of not more than 4 fingers below the collarbone. I think that is a good place to start, but I also own tops that are modest even though they are a little lower cut. Some other important things to consider: does the bra (cups or straps) show at all when I move? is my cleavage covered at all (or very nearly all) times? does it hug my body so that anyone taller cannot see inside? The purpose of a neckline is to flatter the face, not reveal intimate details about the rest of the body.

This is not a matter of setting and following strict rules. This is a matter of loving ourselves, and our brothers, enough to avoid leading anyone into temptation (even if that is not our intent). This is a matter of not drawing undue attention to our bodies, thereby distracting or embarassing those around us. This is a matter of remembering Whose daughters we are, and that our true beauty is in our character.

Lowrider

Before I begin this post, let me say that I realize there are ladies who choose low rise pants to flatter their particular figure. . .and who are mature enough to wear them in a way that doesn’t embarrass the rest of us. However, all too often, low rise pants cause fashion faux pas that would make a plumber blush.

There is no reason for young girl’s pants to be low rise. Their clothes should be designed to keep up with their active lifestyle, not with current trends. But unless I sew Twirly Girl’s pants myself, they require frequent pulling up. If a particular pair fits snugly so as not to droop, there is not enough fabric to keep her covered as she bends, turns, or otherwise moves. This may not be a problem for all girls, but I see enough drooping and tugging on the playground to know that it is indeed a problem.

Although teenagers may have acquired the figure that low rise pants are intended to hug, they are not necessarily a wise choice at this age either. On slender girls, the pants still droop; on curvy girls, the pants create an unflattering horizontal line in an already wide area. Also, many young (or young at heart) fashionistas pair their low rise pants with shirts not long enough to fill in the gap when they move. No one needs to know the color of your undergarments. . .and mooning is never in style.

I have been hesitant to discuss this subject, and hope I have not offended. Some women may consider it a matter of style; but as far as I know, repeatedly hitching your pants up has never been considered stylish. However, although you may be turned off by a man whose belt isn’t doing its job, you need to be aware that when the tables are turned, he is likely to be turned on. Whether you consider yourself attractive or not, those glimpses of flesh do have an effect on boys and men.

Defining my terms

Kim raised a good question about my use of the words feminine and modesty in discussing clothing. Here are the pertinent definitions according to Webster’s Collegiate Dictionary:

feminine–characteristic of or appropriate or peculiar to women

modesty–freedom from conceit or vanity; propriety in dress, speech, or conduct

In the matter of clothing, I would consider modesty to include not only covering enough of the body to avoid unduly distracting the opposite sex but also ensuring that the covering itself does not draw attention of a sexual nature. For instance, clothing that is too tight, low or high cut, sheer, or ”strategically” embellished would not be modest.

Feminine clothing is a bit more slippery to define in the 21st century. Strictly following Webster, one could say that it is clothing no man would wear. Practically speaking, I would say that dressing in a feminine way has more to do with overall appearance than with wearing (or not) specific types of garments.

I do see some possible overlap between “appropriate to women” and “propriety in dress”, but I’m not prepared to discuss that point at this time. If I suggested as much in my last post, it was not intentional; the two terms are certainly not synonymous. Women of a certain repute wear provocative versions of feminine attire that are decidedly immodest. Meanwhile a pair of baggy sweats or a unisex t-shirt and jeans might be modest, but they are not feminine.

Train up a girl

. . .in the way she should dress. I haven’t yet weathered the teen years with Twirly Girl. But for a 9 year old, she has a good handle on what is appropriate attire and what is not. Her ‘indecencies’ usually involve a favorite item of clothing getting too small to do its duty; when we receive a box of hand-me-downs, she needs very little input from me as to what to keep and what to pass. To that end, here are a few ways I have begun to teach her the art of dressing in a manner that is both feminine and modest.

• Begin at the beginning. If you have a baby girl, dress her like a girl. That doesn’t limit you to pink and ruffles. But there’s no need to leave strangers wondering whether the baby is a boy or girl. In spite of my frugal nature, Twirly Girl hardly ever wore hand-me-downs from her brothers. When she did, I added a girly touch of some sort: a flowered shirt under the OshKosh bibs, bows in her hair with the Lands End rugby suit.
• Model for her. If you haven’t worn a skirt since your wedding day, don’t be surprised when your three year old refuses to wear her Easter dress.
• Provide modest attire. This goes beyond not buying immodest items. If she likes to wear dresses for play, make sure she has tights for winter and shorts or bloomers for summer. Skorts are also a good compromise for playground acrobatics. If her church dress is thin, get her a slip to wear underneath. A belt will keep her pants in their place.
• Talk the talk. Twirly Girl received a miniature version of a junior-style outfit when she was four. The short shorts were meant to hang from her tiny hips, and the shirt stopped well above her navel. She tried it on, and we talked about parts that need to be covered. She was quite cooperative and thankfully we were able to find a replacement outfit that still sported Dora the Explorer.
• Ask questions. Now that she is old enough to dress herself, I try to resist telling her what is or isn’t appropriate. Instead I ask questions, and help talk her through the answers when needed. “Do those pants come to your waist?” “Is that skirt long enough?” “Would you like it if your brothers wore a shirt that said the same thing only about girls?”
• Limit influences. I don’t keep her in a bubble, but we do keep tabs on what all the kids are watching and reading. What the eye sees often will begin to seem normal and acceptable. We spend very little time at the mall, which has the added bonus of saving our eyes from all the displays of immodest clothing.

Regarding the 6th commandment

6. You shall not commit adultery.

What does this mean?

We should fear and love God so that we lead a sexually pure and decent life in what we say and do, and husband and wife love and honor each other.

This is what we teach our kids at home, but unless you moms with daughters help, the boys will struggle to remember the lesson. God’s word, with Luther’s explanation, is all very well and good as we sit around our dining room table as a family. The problem begins as soon as they step outside our door (as an aside, the problems can invade the home, but this is not a post about mass media).

Everywhere I go, I see girls who have not been taught the importance of dressing modestly. I send my sons outside to play, and the girl next door is wandering around in a teeny bikini. I send them to Sunday School,  and a girl is wearing a thin summer dress without a slip. I wait for the cashier at the store, standing behind a young lady whose pants are so thin and clingy, I start to wonder if she’s wearing underwear. Popular t-shirts for girls of all ages have sayings that are on the edge of provocative (or are insulting to males). Bra straps show on purpose; camisoles are worn as outerwear; low rise pants hang precariously from hip bones; skirts reveal an inordinate amount of leg. I realize teens have always pushed the envelope on “acceptable” attire, but styles have really gotten out of hand.

Men are very visual creatures when it comes to sexuality (don’t believe me? ask your husband), and while the men certainly need to learn to control their own thoughts and actions, women also need to learn to project an image that doesn’t tempt men to sin in thought or in deed. This is equally true for boys and girls, especially since boys lack the maturity to keep their hormones in check. It’s rather like taking a small child to a large toy store. . .and telling them to look but not touch.

This is to be the first in a series of (sporadic) posts on modesty and clothing. When I have searched for articles on the subject, most of them are from a very legalistic point of view: wear headcoverings, don’t wear pants, skirts must be x” past the knee, and so forth. I will be writing both as a woman trying to dress herself and her daughter in a modest fashion, as well as wife to a husband and mother to five sons who have eyes as well as hormones (or will eventually, in the case of the younger sons).