The joy of family

After posting yesterday about my current reads, I then read chapter 9 in Matthew Harrison’s A Little Book on Joy and found this quote I wanted to share with you:

The Gospel of free forgiveness in Christ frees us to expect mistakes, forgive them, and to find the humor in them after the fact.    (p. 69)

Put that way, it sounds so simple: why didn’t I already know this? I knew about forgiveness, of course, and how much often it is needed in the context of family. But to expect mistakes? That goes against the perfectionist grain! Yet–if I am honest–forgiveness is easier to give when I am able to see mistakes (mine and others) as an inevitable part of human life. And I think, if I can work towards expecting mistakes, it’s going to be a whole lot easier to see the humor in them later. . .

Mastery

One of the main differences between our home school and a conventional school is our focus on mastery. My priority is not covering a set amount of material in a set time, but mastering the material we do cover. This means tests with a poor score are redone (or the whole lesson is repeated) and writing assignments are rewritten as many times as it takes. When working one on one with a student, I see no reason to move on to the next subject before the current subject is mastered. Or at least as mastered as is age appropriate: some subjects, such as history, lend themselves to repeating subjects in greater depth as the student matures.

The downside comes when there are deadlines to meet. If the deadline is set by me, the kids tend to not take me seriously–or I am willing to extend it as needed so they can get the work done properly. And if the deadline is set by someone else, at this point they lack experience in doing a good job in a timely way. My hope is that they will eventually learn, even if it takes several failures (or one really big one) to get the idea. And in the meanwhile, the only way I know to teach this business of deadlines is to provide the opportunity to practice.

Aim high

Far away there in the sunshine are my highest aspirations. I may not reach them, but I can look up and see their beauty, believe in them, and try to follow where they lead. –Louisa May Alcott

This quote hung, framed, in Nanna’s bathroom. Every time we visited I would memorize the words–and then forget them by the time I returned home. The general idea, however, has remained with me through the years. I have been “accused” at various times of being an over achiever, of doing too much and not unwinding, of perfectionism and even of being perfect (that last one came at scout camp because I actually brushed my teeth away from home). If you know me very well, you know that there is truth as well as hyperbole in these  accusations.

But although I struggle with perfectionism, I make no claims of perfection. I do, however, believe strongly in setting my aspirations high. Even when I know I won’t come close to reach them.

Can I make all of the clothes my whole family needs? Not without finding that elusive 36 hour day! But I can find great enjoyment and relaxation in sewing special items for each of us, as well as the things that we can’t find in stores (or that don’t fit properly off the rack). My sewing motto tends to be “done, rather than perfect.” I usually can’t find a project that turned out flawlessly enough to enter in the county fair, but my clothes are well enough made that strangers don’t realize I made them myself.

Can I follow all of the homeschooling ideas in The Well-Trained Mind? Even if I had that 36 hour day, I don’t think I would have the mental energy to spend as much time actively teaching as that would require. I aspire to the classical philosophy more than any other style of education, but I concentrate on the ideas that I can use and not the ones that (for various reasons) do not work for me or my students.

Can I feed my family 100% unprocessed organic foods? Umm, did you FORGET where I live?! But even if that were a locally available option, I’m feeding a family of 8–mostly growing boys–on a single income. I make the best choices I can afford, splurging where I can and cutting corners where I must. I do cook from scratch but most of our meals are simple; and when we eat out fast or cheap is usually the deciding factor.

Can I be immaculately pressed and dressed? Goodness, no! An apron doesn’t protect from every kitchen “oops”, my hair works loose from clips and pins, babies and toddlers make messes, and new shoes aren’t always in the budget.  But these facts of life are not my license to be a slob. Even on the days I never get any further from home than the mailbox, I am with the seven people I love the most. So I make time daily to shower, fix my hair, and dress for the work of caring for them.

I aim high. I will never reach all of my goals, but I will accomplish more by trying than by throwing in the towel.

Lemons into lemonade

For as long as I can remember, my glass has typically been half empty. It isn’t that I’m not thankful for the blessings I have in my life, only that I tend to be distracted by the things that aren’t quite the way I’d like them. Yes. . .that perfectionism thing again. Once we passed the honeymoon stage of life in Wyoming, there are so many things outside my personal definition of normal that I find myself struggling to see the half full side of the glass. I am beyond thankful that Larry has returned to being a full time pastor instead of juggling multiple jobs that left him little time for family, and I am nearly as thankful for our church family here. But a multitude of little things make me homesick for life in the Midwest, so I decided to start an occasional series of posts trying to put a positive spin on some of those things.

I’ll start with the mountains–yes, the mountains. I’m not even sure the ones I see daily are truly mountains; they are to “purple mountain majesties” as soybean fields are to “amber waves of grain.” Impressive, perhaps, but not exactly poetic or immediately beautiful. The northern slopes tend to be grassy (as much as grass actually grows here) while the south side is rocky and sometimes spotted with small scrubby bushes. If you look closely the wildflowers are brilliant in their season but most of the year the overall impression is of rocks and dead plants.

But today I was thinking of the mountains themselves which surround our little town. Some days I look  and marvel at God’s handiwork, but other days they block my view of the horizon and make me feel trapped. This morning in Bible study we looked at Psalm 139, which has been a favorite of mine since memorizing it as a senior in high school. Much of what we discussed wasn’t particularly new to me, but today verse 5 struck me:

You hem me in, behind and before, and lay your hand upon me. –Psalm 139:5, ESV

Hemmed in–that is exactly how those mounds of rock and dirt make me feel! And yet hemmed in is not always a bad thing, especially where God is concerned: He protects us as a shepherd tends his sheep, and He gives us the boundaries within which life may be lived to its fullest. As for the mountains, they still block my view but they also provide protection from the strong winds and heavy snows for which Wyoming is known. No small task, and one I must attempt to remember before I grumble next time. . .

Vicious cycle

As Paula commented on my previous post, one of the hazards of being a perfectionist (and marrying one) is that you tend to produce little perfectionists. It’s important to note here that perfectionism shows up in a variety of ways, ranging from doing nothing lest you do something wrong, to running yourself into the ground trying to do everything exactly right. Either way, it can easily be stressful both for the perfectionist and for the rest of the family.

At this point I would say that 3 of our 4 older children deal with perfectionism to some extent. . .oh dear. I struggle with how to help them overcome a monster that still has me paralyzed. For instance, there is the never ending parent-child issue of Clean. Your. Room. NOW. And sometimes the child practices his disappearing act, but other times they do put an honest effort into cleaning their room. But when the perfectionist mother (or father) comes to inspect, even though the bed is made and the toys are back in the toybox, usually the first words are something like “there are three pairs of dirty socks on the floor.” No wonder the kids don’t clean at all; it’s got to be easier than living up to that sort of criticism!

On the other hand, perfectionism can be an asset when it’s kept in check. At this stage, I don’t assign grades in our homeschool because we go over the material until it’s been mastered. When I find careless mistakes on a math test, they must be redone as a reminder to be more careful next time. If I find honest mistakes on a math test, the entire lesson is redone to make sure the child understands how to do these problems correctly before attempting the next level.

The struggle comes in making the best of perfectionism. . .and keeping it from becoming a burden. A job done right is certainly a worthy goal. But sometimes the price to meet that goal is too high–whether it be personal stress, strained relationships, or simply the fact that other (perhaps equally important) things were left completely undone in favor of attaining that single perfect accomplishment.

Division of labor

I’m a perfectionist. There. I said it. I’ve always been a perfectionist, but only recently have realized how much my perfectionism is my own worst enemy. As such, this post is me thinking aloud with the hope that my thoughts will either help you put your own perfectionism into perspective or understand the perfectionists in your life, as the case may be.

I just spent the past week cooking for 12 people, and it made me realize I need to learn to delegate more. Now, my guests did wash most of the dishes for me, and helped whenever I asked. . .but there is the problem. Like most perfectionists, I usually find it easier to do everything myself than to ask for help, much less explain what it is that needs doing. That’s not even to mention how it should be done, because as a perfectionist there is my way, and then there are all those wrong ways. And for all the times I remind myself that “done is better than perfect,” I still want to go back and fix everything to be just so. If you’re not a perfectionist, I’m sure you’re rolling your eyes at me by now. . .and if you are a perfectionist, you know exactly what I mean!

Back to all that cooking, though. Today I informed the two oldest boys and the twirly girl that they need to take on more responsibilities around the house, and I was open to their requests/suggestions. Well, all three of them volunteered to fix one or two meals a week (how come they don’t want to scrub toilets? huh? huh? oh wait. . .they already have that chore ). So. My job is now to help them learn to cook meals. . .and then sit back and let them do it. Even if they spill sugar on the floor and leave greasy fingerprints on the vanilla bottle. And even when they put too much pepper in the eggs or season the pancakes with paprika.

Yes. . .I know. . .you non-perfectionists are really rolling on the floor now. That’s okay. I think you’re funny too sometimes.